End-of-the-Semester Stresses...

Two weeks left!  Thank goodness.  For being in school for as long as I have been, I am certainly glad to complete a semester.  Yeah, it's a small step, but a step in the right direction nonetheless.  I have a paper yet to complete, a video lesson to submit, and a french project to complete.  It seems like so much, but I have to take it one step at a time.  First the paper, then the french project, then the video lesson.  I will get it done!!!  All I have to do is pass my classes and I can continue to my next semester without worry.  I have to remind myself, baby steps... baby steps and I can get everything done, and done well.  My juries are coming up during finals, and I hope to goodness that those go quickly.  I can't stand playing in front of people that are there to 'judge' you.  Yeah, it's not a big deal, and only part of the process to ensure that you're being a successful music student, but still.  It's pretty stressful.  *sigh*  It's almost over.  Just pace myself, and don't freak out.  If I lose it, I'll lose focus, and I'll be too worried to get anything done.

I can do it!!! :D

Hard Times...

So my roommate and I are having a really tough time getting caught up financially.  It seems that whenever we finally have a break, something else goes wrong.  So the average reader might think, 'that's a bit vague for my taste', so let me start from the beginning.

Imagine we're in August of 2012.  Everything is bright and shiny and hot as hell, living in a midwestern state.  My boyfriend of three years and I just recently got back together after he decided to take a break. No big deal, I thought.  Things were great between he and I.  Classes started and they were going great..... well, until I came home one day after classes to an empty apartment.  Apparently my boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend, after I managed to get a hold of him to find out what happened) had packed all of his belongings, loaded them up into his truck, and left.  He decided that he couldn't live with me anymore and even though he loved me still, he had to leave because he felt he was going nowhere in life.  Well, obviously, he was moving back to Texas... so that was going somewhere.

Needless to say, I panicked.  What the hell am I going to do?!  I am in classes full time, my ex was the one working all of the time, because lord knows my hours at my job don't pay the bills.  I freaked.  Fortunately, I knew a good friend of mine for a very long time, was looking for a place to move into that was closer to campus and to his jobs.  This'll be great!  I thought... he's working all of the time, and has tons of jobs, so it'll help me to catch up!  Fantastic.  Well, part of the struggle of being a freelance composer/writer/lessons instructor, is that you're wholly dependent upon people paying you, and paying you on time.  So far, that hasn't been going very well.  His lessons students 'forget' or postpone payments, while his composing gigs are 'behind on other bills' so he'll just 'have to wait' to get his money.

*sigh*

I've already used up all of my savings to pay bills, and my main job hasn't had any contracted gigs in weeks.  Here it is, month three since my roommate moved in, and we're still not caught up.  To add to everything else, my car died, and until my roommate can pay his part of the rent, I can't fix my car... so I have to take public transit everywhere, which limits my already limited schedule... or get rides from people, which can be inconvenient.  I absolutely despise depending upon other people to get to where I need to be.  Rent is a daunting one week away, and I'm still scratching my head as to how I'm going to manage to pay that to ensure I have a roof over my head next week.  I've even applied to lord knows how many other jobs, and pleaded with my peers for a taste at some lessons students or substitute teaching... ANYthing to help.  Heck, at this point, I'd babysit, do laundry, or dishes for extra pocket cash.

I'm sincerely at a loss.  Prayers seem overabundant and yet it feels as though no progress has been made.

I swear...  It seems like neither one of us can catch a break.

Strange Feelings...

So here I am, sitting alone in my apartment.  My roommate is on campus with his love, and my Love is off spending time with his family.  Don't get me wrong, as bitter as I sound in words on a page, I'm most certainly not bitter.  I thought, maybe if I can get my thoughts out on a page, then I'll be able to think more clearly.  So, here it goes.

I was hoping for a nice, relaxing day with my Lovey, doing absolutely nothing all day long, when duty called.  His family needed him.  Who am I to deny him that?  In fact it is one of the biggest aspects that I love about him.  He is so dedicated to his family.  When he told me that he was leaving to spend time with them, a strange, new feeling panged my heart.  What was this?  I'd never felt like this before.  Pain?  Fear?  Sorrow?  What was this?  Suddenly the words escaped my mouth, "Every time you leave, it hurts."  Shocked, he pulled back and looked at me, but I could not make my eyes meet his.  I really was hurting.  Why?  I'm not sure.  This new unknown feeling permeating my very core.  "Why does it hurt?  Even though I leave, I'm not really gone," he said.  "Oh, if you only knew... I *wish* that you knew."  I sighed.  "If you can imagine two magnets, the stronger the pull towards one another, the harder it is to pull them apart.  That's why it hurts.  It hurts me every time you leave.  I'm not telling you that to make you feel guilty,  I'm not telling you this to convince you to stay, I'm just being honest."  He nodded, still looking hurt and confused that such words could escape my mouth.  I tried to remain composed, but I felt the tears welling in my eyes.  I hate this feeling, I think.  Oh, it's all so confusing.

He put his hand on my cheek, finally convincing me to look at him in the eyes.  "Even though I have to leave from time to time, I'm not really ever gone.  I will never leave you."  I knew this to be true, the passion in his eyes told me so.  He was willing me to feel the urgency and truth in his words.  "I will always be here with you, just as you always go with me."  I felt the tears begin again.  "You don't need to be afraid.  I hope that one day you understand that you don't need to be afraid anymore.  Not of me leaving, not of me hurting you, not of anything."  I couldn't speak a word.  I found myself leaning on every syllable that poured from his heart, and into my ears.

I then retreat to my thoughts.  I suddenly imagined he and I holding hands, walking down a path somewhere.  Flash forward to him with his hand on my stomach, kissing it and smiling.  I felt myself hold my stomach where he kissed it in my daydream.  Seriously?!  I had never thought of having children of my own, especially if it didn't require adoption.  What is this?  The whole thing is confusing.  The overwhelming feelings, the closeness, the thoughts of a future together?  It's all so fast, but it feels so right.

I have only known him for a short time, and somehow I feel as though I've known him for my entire life.  Like a part of me was missing this entire time, and he is the only one that can complete it.  I've been in love before, sure, but nothing like this.  We finish each other's sentences, we know what one another is thinking without even speaking a word.  One touch from the other, and we're instantly calm, cool, collected, and focused.  One kiss, and there isn't anything else that matters in this world.  I wish I could explain it, but I can't.  This love story that he and I are starting, however brief it is thus far, has me more confident than I've ever been in a relationship.  Separately we're strong, loud, opinionated, loving and dedicated.  Together, we complete one another.  Our individual strengths magnified, our weaknesses strengthened by our counterpart.  We are two halves of the same whole.  When he's gone, I feel as though there is an emptiness.  I know that I will feel whole again, but for that brief moment, I am not.

All of these thoughts suddenly surface as I realize that he's still with me, kissing my forehead.  "I love you, so damn much," he says.  "I love you too, so very much that I can't even express it in words," I respond.  He really is an amazing man.  I only hope that I can be as amazing to him as he is to me.  Time will tell. <3 EM&GM