Patience, Perseverance, and Good Ol' Hard Work...

So I was reading a chapter of a politicalesque book today (which is rare, because I never read anything that has to do with politics... for personal reasons more than anything else), and I read a chapter which pretty much dealt with the idea of entitlement vs. hard work and the benefits/downfalls of both.  Which got me thinking about my past and how I reached where I am today.

Even though I don't live in the shiniest place, or the biggest place, or even a place I own, it's still a place that I pay for and can afford.  Same with my clothes.  Yes, I buy things from Goodwill and discount places.  I rarely, if ever, pay full cost for anything.  I work a full time job for a decent, well-established company.  It's not my ideal job, but it will suffice for the time being.  There are opportunities for me to grow and flourish while looking for my "dream job" in my career choice.  I can afford internet and the occasional meal out.  I can afford to buy food to eat, and to support four cats.  I can afford to take classes to further my education.  I can even afford insurance to take care of myself.  Here soon, I should be able to afford a car payment, should I need a car.  How did I achieve all of this?  Hard work and a great family/friend support system.

I remember when I wasn't making it, though.  I had several part-time jobs and could still barely rub two pennies together.  But I was doing it.  I wanted to keep going to school which prevented me from working full time.  But I was still able to do both.  I could only afford to eat quesadillas with that shredded canned chicken and cheese at times... but I still ate.  I only had two pairs of pants at one point that fit... a black "formal" pair and a pair of jeans... but I had clothes to wear.

I got frustrated.  I got tired.  I got angry.  I cried.

But I did it.

I accomplished what I set my mind to by hard work and perseverance.  Not by waiting for things to be handed to me.

Let me tell you, the satisfaction I feel for my bachelor's degree, my tiny apartment, my 40 hour a week job that all of the skills I have acquired since I was 14, and what little things I own is immense.  It's not much, but it's far more than I thought I'd ever achieve on my own.  Keep in mind, I say "on my own" but I know I have a fantastic support system.  Not government support, mind you.  Lol.  My family and friends who have been there since day one.

I have a long way to go to accomplishing all of the goals I have set for myself, but I am in no real hurry.

Patience, hard work, and perseverance have gotten me to where I am today, and I am sure it will continue to serve me well in the future.

Love, Life, Little Bit of Other...

It's been a while!  Hello, there, blog followers!

Life has been hectic!  I've since graduated from college, obtained a full-time job, and am currently taking online teacher's certification classes.  I start student teaching the beginning of December.

E and I are doing wonderfully.  We just celebrated our two year anniversary.  We had ups and downs, fights and celebrations, but are both much stronger for it.  I honestly could not see myself with any other person for the rest of my life and can't wait to see what the future brings us.

My current retail job is okay.  I really want to be teaching, but I understand that comes with time.  Teaching jobs are pretty slim, and specialty teaching jobs (the arts, etc) are even slimmer.  I just keep hoping that when it's time, my path will be shown to me.

I feel that things are slowly falling into place for me, for E and I, for everything.  Financially, we have just a little bit of "extra" to spoil ourselves with once a month or so.  We can afford food, clothes, and internet (you know, all of the basics... haha).  I think I might post something about the holidays later.  For funzies.  Until then, live life like it's your last day, and love all of the little moments.

"How is every little thing? Still little?"

The first time I remember this question was when I was around 3.  To me, 'every little thing' was everything about me.  My hands, my feet, my head, my clothes... well, just... me.  I'd giggle and run into his arms as he picked me up and gave me a big bear hug.  I remember him sneaking me candy whenever Mamaw wasn't looking.  "It'll be our secret."  He said.  I'd smile as I crammed the M&Ms in my mouth and ran away to go play with the dogs.

I remember that candy.  It was in a jar next to his favorite rocking chair.  It never moved except to get the candy out of it to sneak to my sister and I.  If it wasn't peanut M&Ms (still my favorite to this day), it was Tart N Tinys, or the dinner mints... remember those?  I do.

As I grew older, things weren't quite as little because I was obviously growing.  Yet the question was still asked during every visit, "How is every little thing?  Still little?"  We'd chuckle and hug and I'd say "Well, not quite as little as they used to be, but I'm trying!"  I'd sit in the living room while he'd tell stories about when my Dad was little, or go play with my cousins and the dogs (who were getting older).

I remember going to bible camp.  I remember when I was saved and baptized.  He was the one who laid me back into the water.  I trusted him.  I would have chosen no one else to help me to be reborn to Christ.  After that moment, I was happier, everything was lighter, the breeze was cooler, the sky bluer.  Everything was so much more wonderful.  I'm so glad he was a part of that.

Years passed, I grew older, and visits were fewer and fewer... mainly because I lived farther away.  I saw him again at my sister's wedding.  He was looking a bit more worn as he had aged quite a bit... his body more tired.  I had missed him so.  Once again, he asked the question:  "How's every little thing?  Still little?"  I laughed and hugged him as we sat in the first row and watched my sister marry the love of her life.

Still more years passed.  I hadn't seen him in a long time.  Then I got a phone call from my Dad.  He told me that he is very ill.  I was desperate to see him.  I loved him so... I wanted to tell him.  So I found a way to raise money, rented a car, drove down to see him and spent several hours just talking with my relatives, reminiscing, and laughing.  He just sat, watched, and smiled.  After a bit he interjected our conversation and looked at me and said, "Do you remember when I would ask you if everything's still little?"  I chuckled and said, "Yes, I do."  He asked me, "Do you know why I always asked you if everything was still little?"  I said that I did not.  "Well,"  he said, while taking a labored breath, "it was because so long as you keep every little thing still little, nothing is so big that you can't overcome it."  I felt a lump crawl up into my throat, but I stayed strong.  We spent the next several hours just talking while he watched, smiling.  Before we all left, I gave him a really big hug, kissed him on the cheek, and whispered in his ear, "I love you, Papaw.  Very very much."  "I love you, too, Baby."  He said.  As I walked away, I grabbed his hand.  Fearful to let go.  I knew that it may be the very last time I see his kind eyes looking at me and his smile on his face.

I just got word today that the nurses project that he only has less than 48 hours to live.  Some of my greatest memories from childhood, snuffed out.  Heck yes, I was angry!  But then I tell myself, no matter how difficult things are, how complicated they seem, how painful, how horrible, or how heart wrenching they can be... so long as I keep every little thing still little, and don't dwell on them, nothing is too big for me to overcome.

I love you, Papaw.  You will be greatly missed.  *hugs*

Donald Y. Rountree, aka. "Papaw"
Beloved Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Grandfather, Great-Grandfather, and Friend.

End-of-the-Semester Stresses...

Two weeks left!  Thank goodness.  For being in school for as long as I have been, I am certainly glad to complete a semester.  Yeah, it's a small step, but a step in the right direction nonetheless.  I have a paper yet to complete, a video lesson to submit, and a french project to complete.  It seems like so much, but I have to take it one step at a time.  First the paper, then the french project, then the video lesson.  I will get it done!!!  All I have to do is pass my classes and I can continue to my next semester without worry.  I have to remind myself, baby steps... baby steps and I can get everything done, and done well.  My juries are coming up during finals, and I hope to goodness that those go quickly.  I can't stand playing in front of people that are there to 'judge' you.  Yeah, it's not a big deal, and only part of the process to ensure that you're being a successful music student, but still.  It's pretty stressful.  *sigh*  It's almost over.  Just pace myself, and don't freak out.  If I lose it, I'll lose focus, and I'll be too worried to get anything done.

I can do it!!! :D

Hard Times...

So my roommate and I are having a really tough time getting caught up financially.  It seems that whenever we finally have a break, something else goes wrong.  So the average reader might think, 'that's a bit vague for my taste', so let me start from the beginning.

Imagine we're in August of 2012.  Everything is bright and shiny and hot as hell, living in a midwestern state.  My boyfriend of three years and I just recently got back together after he decided to take a break. No big deal, I thought.  Things were great between he and I.  Classes started and they were going great..... well, until I came home one day after classes to an empty apartment.  Apparently my boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend, after I managed to get a hold of him to find out what happened) had packed all of his belongings, loaded them up into his truck, and left.  He decided that he couldn't live with me anymore and even though he loved me still, he had to leave because he felt he was going nowhere in life.  Well, obviously, he was moving back to Texas... so that was going somewhere.

Needless to say, I panicked.  What the hell am I going to do?!  I am in classes full time, my ex was the one working all of the time, because lord knows my hours at my job don't pay the bills.  I freaked.  Fortunately, I knew a good friend of mine for a very long time, was looking for a place to move into that was closer to campus and to his jobs.  This'll be great!  I thought... he's working all of the time, and has tons of jobs, so it'll help me to catch up!  Fantastic.  Well, part of the struggle of being a freelance composer/writer/lessons instructor, is that you're wholly dependent upon people paying you, and paying you on time.  So far, that hasn't been going very well.  His lessons students 'forget' or postpone payments, while his composing gigs are 'behind on other bills' so he'll just 'have to wait' to get his money.

*sigh*

I've already used up all of my savings to pay bills, and my main job hasn't had any contracted gigs in weeks.  Here it is, month three since my roommate moved in, and we're still not caught up.  To add to everything else, my car died, and until my roommate can pay his part of the rent, I can't fix my car... so I have to take public transit everywhere, which limits my already limited schedule... or get rides from people, which can be inconvenient.  I absolutely despise depending upon other people to get to where I need to be.  Rent is a daunting one week away, and I'm still scratching my head as to how I'm going to manage to pay that to ensure I have a roof over my head next week.  I've even applied to lord knows how many other jobs, and pleaded with my peers for a taste at some lessons students or substitute teaching... ANYthing to help.  Heck, at this point, I'd babysit, do laundry, or dishes for extra pocket cash.

I'm sincerely at a loss.  Prayers seem overabundant and yet it feels as though no progress has been made.

I swear...  It seems like neither one of us can catch a break.

Strange Feelings...

So here I am, sitting alone in my apartment.  My roommate is on campus with his love, and my Love is off spending time with his family.  Don't get me wrong, as bitter as I sound in words on a page, I'm most certainly not bitter.  I thought, maybe if I can get my thoughts out on a page, then I'll be able to think more clearly.  So, here it goes.

I was hoping for a nice, relaxing day with my Lovey, doing absolutely nothing all day long, when duty called.  His family needed him.  Who am I to deny him that?  In fact it is one of the biggest aspects that I love about him.  He is so dedicated to his family.  When he told me that he was leaving to spend time with them, a strange, new feeling panged my heart.  What was this?  I'd never felt like this before.  Pain?  Fear?  Sorrow?  What was this?  Suddenly the words escaped my mouth, "Every time you leave, it hurts."  Shocked, he pulled back and looked at me, but I could not make my eyes meet his.  I really was hurting.  Why?  I'm not sure.  This new unknown feeling permeating my very core.  "Why does it hurt?  Even though I leave, I'm not really gone," he said.  "Oh, if you only knew... I *wish* that you knew."  I sighed.  "If you can imagine two magnets, the stronger the pull towards one another, the harder it is to pull them apart.  That's why it hurts.  It hurts me every time you leave.  I'm not telling you that to make you feel guilty,  I'm not telling you this to convince you to stay, I'm just being honest."  He nodded, still looking hurt and confused that such words could escape my mouth.  I tried to remain composed, but I felt the tears welling in my eyes.  I hate this feeling, I think.  Oh, it's all so confusing.

He put his hand on my cheek, finally convincing me to look at him in the eyes.  "Even though I have to leave from time to time, I'm not really ever gone.  I will never leave you."  I knew this to be true, the passion in his eyes told me so.  He was willing me to feel the urgency and truth in his words.  "I will always be here with you, just as you always go with me."  I felt the tears begin again.  "You don't need to be afraid.  I hope that one day you understand that you don't need to be afraid anymore.  Not of me leaving, not of me hurting you, not of anything."  I couldn't speak a word.  I found myself leaning on every syllable that poured from his heart, and into my ears.

I then retreat to my thoughts.  I suddenly imagined he and I holding hands, walking down a path somewhere.  Flash forward to him with his hand on my stomach, kissing it and smiling.  I felt myself hold my stomach where he kissed it in my daydream.  Seriously?!  I had never thought of having children of my own, especially if it didn't require adoption.  What is this?  The whole thing is confusing.  The overwhelming feelings, the closeness, the thoughts of a future together?  It's all so fast, but it feels so right.

I have only known him for a short time, and somehow I feel as though I've known him for my entire life.  Like a part of me was missing this entire time, and he is the only one that can complete it.  I've been in love before, sure, but nothing like this.  We finish each other's sentences, we know what one another is thinking without even speaking a word.  One touch from the other, and we're instantly calm, cool, collected, and focused.  One kiss, and there isn't anything else that matters in this world.  I wish I could explain it, but I can't.  This love story that he and I are starting, however brief it is thus far, has me more confident than I've ever been in a relationship.  Separately we're strong, loud, opinionated, loving and dedicated.  Together, we complete one another.  Our individual strengths magnified, our weaknesses strengthened by our counterpart.  We are two halves of the same whole.  When he's gone, I feel as though there is an emptiness.  I know that I will feel whole again, but for that brief moment, I am not.

All of these thoughts suddenly surface as I realize that he's still with me, kissing my forehead.  "I love you, so damn much," he says.  "I love you too, so very much that I can't even express it in words," I respond.  He really is an amazing man.  I only hope that I can be as amazing to him as he is to me.  Time will tell. <3 EM&GM