Strange Feelings...

So here I am, sitting alone in my apartment.  My roommate is on campus with his love, and my Love is off spending time with his family.  Don't get me wrong, as bitter as I sound in words on a page, I'm most certainly not bitter.  I thought, maybe if I can get my thoughts out on a page, then I'll be able to think more clearly.  So, here it goes.

I was hoping for a nice, relaxing day with my Lovey, doing absolutely nothing all day long, when duty called.  His family needed him.  Who am I to deny him that?  In fact it is one of the biggest aspects that I love about him.  He is so dedicated to his family.  When he told me that he was leaving to spend time with them, a strange, new feeling panged my heart.  What was this?  I'd never felt like this before.  Pain?  Fear?  Sorrow?  What was this?  Suddenly the words escaped my mouth, "Every time you leave, it hurts."  Shocked, he pulled back and looked at me, but I could not make my eyes meet his.  I really was hurting.  Why?  I'm not sure.  This new unknown feeling permeating my very core.  "Why does it hurt?  Even though I leave, I'm not really gone," he said.  "Oh, if you only knew... I *wish* that you knew."  I sighed.  "If you can imagine two magnets, the stronger the pull towards one another, the harder it is to pull them apart.  That's why it hurts.  It hurts me every time you leave.  I'm not telling you that to make you feel guilty,  I'm not telling you this to convince you to stay, I'm just being honest."  He nodded, still looking hurt and confused that such words could escape my mouth.  I tried to remain composed, but I felt the tears welling in my eyes.  I hate this feeling, I think.  Oh, it's all so confusing.

He put his hand on my cheek, finally convincing me to look at him in the eyes.  "Even though I have to leave from time to time, I'm not really ever gone.  I will never leave you."  I knew this to be true, the passion in his eyes told me so.  He was willing me to feel the urgency and truth in his words.  "I will always be here with you, just as you always go with me."  I felt the tears begin again.  "You don't need to be afraid.  I hope that one day you understand that you don't need to be afraid anymore.  Not of me leaving, not of me hurting you, not of anything."  I couldn't speak a word.  I found myself leaning on every syllable that poured from his heart, and into my ears.

I then retreat to my thoughts.  I suddenly imagined he and I holding hands, walking down a path somewhere.  Flash forward to him with his hand on my stomach, kissing it and smiling.  I felt myself hold my stomach where he kissed it in my daydream.  Seriously?!  I had never thought of having children of my own, especially if it didn't require adoption.  What is this?  The whole thing is confusing.  The overwhelming feelings, the closeness, the thoughts of a future together?  It's all so fast, but it feels so right.

I have only known him for a short time, and somehow I feel as though I've known him for my entire life.  Like a part of me was missing this entire time, and he is the only one that can complete it.  I've been in love before, sure, but nothing like this.  We finish each other's sentences, we know what one another is thinking without even speaking a word.  One touch from the other, and we're instantly calm, cool, collected, and focused.  One kiss, and there isn't anything else that matters in this world.  I wish I could explain it, but I can't.  This love story that he and I are starting, however brief it is thus far, has me more confident than I've ever been in a relationship.  Separately we're strong, loud, opinionated, loving and dedicated.  Together, we complete one another.  Our individual strengths magnified, our weaknesses strengthened by our counterpart.  We are two halves of the same whole.  When he's gone, I feel as though there is an emptiness.  I know that I will feel whole again, but for that brief moment, I am not.

All of these thoughts suddenly surface as I realize that he's still with me, kissing my forehead.  "I love you, so damn much," he says.  "I love you too, so very much that I can't even express it in words," I respond.  He really is an amazing man.  I only hope that I can be as amazing to him as he is to me.  Time will tell. <3 EM&GM